


The Thought Of You

by Sleepwalker7



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 03:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15015206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepwalker7/pseuds/Sleepwalker7
Summary: Ever since they broke up, Lena never thinks about Kara. Except almost always. One-shot.





	The Thought Of You

Lena sighed as she lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, forcing her mind into silence. She decided to simply observe things. Feel things; tangible things. Sensory details. Empirical data that would distract her. The metered ticking of her alarm clock. The soft sheets under her arms. The light breeze from the air conditioner. The stain on the wall from when Ka- No.

That was a thought. 

Had to put a stop to that. Once her computer was shut off and the lights went out, thoughts were forbidden, as they often unwillingly led to that subject. Or person, rather.

She sucked in a deep breath. She needed more distractions. The cars passing by. The shadows of the trees. She placed her hand on her chest. The soft cotton of her t-shirt. The beat of her heart.

It had become her nightly ritual, this observing of her surroundings. And, it didn't do a thing to help her sleep. 

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw those blue eyes staring back at her. 

Sometimes they were playful, innocent, sparkling with joy, relaxed. 

Sometimes they were hard, sad, clouded with anger, with pain. 

Sometimes they were empty, distant, the eyes of a stranger. Those eyes were the worst.

No. 

Lena sat straight up and rubbed her hands over her tired face, trying to scrub out the images that seemed to burn behind her eyelids. 

Why couldn't she let it go? Why couldn't she escape the thought of her? This was torture. Her mind was her enemy.

Kara.

Just the thought of those two stupid syllables and her blue eyes hurt, and Lena’s lips trembled. She wasn't going to cry though. She refused to cry.

No, she didn't cry, not when Kara refused to talk to her. When she refused to hear her out.

She wouldn't cry, not when Kara avoided looking at her. All the time. When Kara pretended that they barely knew each other. 

Lena didn't cry. Instead, she got angry. She burned with anger.

She knew why Kara had ended things. She knew that Kara felt like it was too dangerous to be with her. She knew that Kara did it out of love, wanting to protect her. But, it didn’t feel that way. She felt like it was unfair of Kara to make that decision on her own.

So, she was angry.

She lifted her palms to her temples and shook her head, attempting to cast off all thoughts of Kara. She had made it a point to never, ever think about the blonde.

Except every time she closed her eyes...

A banging noise brought her back to reality and it took a moment to realize it had come from outside. She swung her legs over the mattress and looked at the clock. Nearly 3 AM.

Unless the apartment building was on fire, only one person could be on her balcony in the middle of the night. 

She wasn't in the mood for this. She was so damn tired.

"Lena...” The door slammed open and Kara stumbled into the dark room, dragging her shoulder against the wall to keep from falling.

"Kara, what are you doing here?" Lena pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're drunk again?"

How was she ever supposed to get Kara out of her head if she wouldn't leave her the hell alone?

Kara slouched against the wall, running her fingers slowly over the plaster. "I wish you weren't here."

Lena scoffed. A lump formed in her throat but she tried to ignore it. 

"This is my home.” She said. "So you can get out."

Kara looked at her through dazed eyes. “Maybe I don’t want to.”

“Kara...” Lena sighed, and then shook her head, not knowing what to say. So, she went with the first thing that popped into her head. “You know it’s too risky to fly in regular clothing.” 

“I don’t care.” Kara shrugged and harshly rubbed her eyes, nearly knocking her glasses off her face.

She attempted to straighten herself off the wall, but she lost her balance and lurched sideways, her legs knocking into Lena’s dresser with a loud thump. In the moonlit room, Lena barely saw the outline of her lamp wobble, back and forth, and then finally tip. But she could definitely hear the crunch of it breaking clearly enough.

"Great. Just what I need tonight." She pushed herself off her bed and grabbed Kara around the waist, steadying her. "You can’t just pop in and out of my life when you want to, you know that?"

"Shut up, Lena.” Kara murmured. She brought one hand up to Lena’s face, the other hand gripping Lena’s shoulder. Suddenly, she shifted her weight and Lena found her back pushed up against the wall, Kara’s mouth on hers, kissing her roughly.

Without a second thought, Lena closed her eyes and angrily kissed her back. This is how she wanted to feel with Kara, to attack her mouth, pull at her hair, claw at her skin, grip her arms. To show her how much she didn't care about her. It felt good to be this angry. It felt right.

With that resignation, she let her guard down for a moment. 

Suddenly, all the thoughts she'd been desperate to keep at bay, been denying herself, came flooding back: the first time they were together, how gentle and tentative it had been, sober and honest declarations of love. 

Lena squeezed her eyes shut, begging the memories to retreat, to hide again. She stopped attacking back, going almost limp in Kara’s strong grasp. She placed her hands on the blonde’s chest and pushed.

Kara pulled back, but only to pin Lena against the wall again with her full weight. She pressed her forehead against Lena’s, her voice wavering in a way that made Lena’s heart ache.

"I just- I just want to forget you but I can't... it’s always you. Always you. In my head. All I see. The way you make me feel-“ She pulled back, her lips quivering as tears glistened in her eyes. "I hate it."

Lena turned her head away, hurt. Breathing became difficult. Her chest ached, her throat had dried up, her eyes stung. All of her anger seemed to drain out of her tired body as the reality of their situation hit her. None of this was right. The whole thing between them was just... sad. She was sad.

Kara’s hand stroked Lena’s neck, moving up and down slowly. "I hate that I love you so much.” She whispered.

She tightened her grip on Lena’s neck, not hard enough to hurt her, but with enough force to turn the brunette’s head back toward her. She dove forward and tried to kiss her again.

Lena pressed her lips tightly together, denying Kara access. Lifting her left arm, she pried Kara’s hand off her neck.

"Please Lena.” Kara begged, gripping Lena’s wrist. The tears in her eyes now rolled down her cheeks and as much as the sight broke Lena’s heart, she stood her ground.

"Let go of me."

Kara let go of her wrist and stared at Lena, her mouth slightly open. Her eyes moved back and forth, as if she were seeing Lena for the first time. Then she let out a small, anguished noise and fell against Lena in a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. 

Lena felt Kara’s sobs before she heard them.

She closed her eyes and sighed softly. Kara was too limp to hold up for long, and, braced against the wall, they slid down to the floor together. 

Lena held Kara in her arms as she shook and trembled.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't wanna feel this way anymore." 

Lena fought back her own tears, pushing strands of hair away from Kara’s face. “Shh, let’s not do this now. You’re drunk. Why do you drink so much?”

Kara looked at her with pained eyes. “I want to be numb.” 

“Why?” Lena whispered, reluctant to hear the answer.

“I don’t want to feel anymore. It hurts too much to be without you.”

Lena’s breath caught at Kara’s confession. She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke, she struggled to suppress the anger that clawed at the surface again. “You’re the one who did this to us, Kara. You made the choice to break up with me.”

“I know.” Kara whimpered, curling in on herself. “But you have to believe that I never wanted it to be like this. I never wanted to lose you.”

Lena shook her head. Kara invaded all her senses, her smell, her warmth, and she was scared to drown in her again.

“You broke my heart.”

Kara’s eyes were the saddest pools of blue she had ever seen. “I’m so sorry, Lena. I just wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me by hurting me?”

“Protect you from getting hurt because of me.”

Lena sighed, softening slightly, and her hand cupped Kara’s cheek. “I already told you that you don’t need to protect me. I can take care of myself.”

Kara blinked tightly, her eyes still foggy from the alcohol. “It’s- it’s my job to protect the city. With that job comes a lot of danger. I could never- I could never forgive myself if you got hurt because you’re with me.” Lena couldn’t stop the small chuckle that escaped her lips, and Kara narrowed her eyes, offended. “What?”

“Sorry.” Lena said quickly, stroking her thumb over Kara’s cheek to console her. “But Kara, honey, I’m a Luthor. My family has more enemies than I can count on both my hands.”

Kara swallowed, and then buried her face in Lena’s neck. “I feel really stupid. But I...” She trailed off.

“You what?” Lena fought the urge to press a kiss to the blonde’s forehead. It almost felt normal. As if nothing had ever happened. As if nothing had changed. But that wasn’t true.

“I hadn’t been sleeping.” Kara said in a small voice. She sounded ashamed, and Lena’s eyebrows pinched together in a concerned frown. “I kept having these dreams. Or nightmares. About- about you. Getting hurt. And me not being able to save you.”

“Oh Kara.” Lena leaned her head against Kara’s. "Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because-“ Kara sighed as fresh tears welled up in her eyes. “I was embarrassed I guess. I’m so sorry, Lena. You deserve so much better.”

“Hey,” As much as Lena had been hurt by all of this, she couldn’t stand to see Kara crying. It made her feel like someone had ripped out her heart and smashed it with a hammer. “Calm down, darling. I just wish you had talked to me about this. It wasn’t just your decision to make.”

“I know.” Kara ducked her head, her cheeks colored red with shame. “I panicked and I thought I was doing the right thing but Lena, I messed up. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep... I miss you so much.”

Lena took Kara’s flustered face into her hands, resting their foreheads together. She released a trembling breath, letting go of all the barriers that had been shielding off her deepest emotions. “I miss you too.”

“Can you ever forgive me?” Kara asked, and she sounded so scared that, strangely, all at once, Lena felt loved again.

“With time.”

Kara’s lips curled into a watery smile but she didn’t say anything. She looked exhausted, Lena noticed, and urging her up, she guided them both to the bed.

"Come on. You need to sleep this off." She readjusted her grip around Kara’s waist. "We’ll talk more in the morning.”

Kara grunted in response.

The mattress creaked under their familiar combined weight. Kara sniffed loudly and curled up against Lena, shivering. She closed her eyes and Lena, cradling her head, holding her, shushing her, watched her slowly drift asleep. 

In the silence of the room, she resumed her nightly ritual, cataloging her surroundings.

Kara’s soft hair under her fingers. Kara’s hand, warm, resting on her arm. The scent of Kara’s skin.

And for the first time in so long, she felt whole again.


End file.
